Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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