umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
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