Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
