I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
