this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
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