she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
