Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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