worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Randomize
