ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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