the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
