Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
