just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
