I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
