My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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