She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
