Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
