I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
