We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
