I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
