He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
