Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
