in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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