rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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