i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
