just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
