dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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