There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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