Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
