so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
