I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
accomplished twins. life is a go
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
