like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
