Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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