He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
