I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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