he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
