I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Randomize
