I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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