did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I CAN MOONWALK!
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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