The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
