I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
