You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
