my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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