I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Randomize
