Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Are these your boobs on my camera?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
