May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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