what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
