those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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