Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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