I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
