Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
